It turns out that even getting married can’t help my winter depression. It hit me so bad on Monday that I felt I could barely breathe. It is hard to explain what this is to people who don’t experience it. When I try to explain it to Tom, I feel almost embarrassed by the words coming out of my mouth. I’m generally a very happy person, so how can this time of year just totally alter my mood?!
Well- several years back, I learned that winter depression is a thing. I have been experiencing it since I was a teenager and my symptoms are just off the wall. I get your typical sadness but also add anxiety, body dysmorphic and just straight up paranoia. I find myself thinking terrible things about myself and then playing out how that thing will ruin my life. For example, last night, I didn’t cook the chicken I made for Tom long enough and I heard him throw it back on the pan. From there, I played out this outrageous scenario where him not trusting that I cooked the chicken long enough meant that he didn’t love me and that he would eventually get sick of me. Thinking about it right now, I realize that is insane. But it is so hard to come back down once I get started with this kind of thought process. Also – I want to add that I did cook that chicken thoroughly.
My boss’s wife goes through the same thing, and her remedy is just going on a weeks’ vacation somewhere warm. Great solution when money is no obstacle to you. I have tried multiple things and really nothing makes it go away for good.
A few years ago my doctor called me into his private office to tell me I have a Vitamin D deficiency…..in March. Cool, thanks for making me think I had Aids all day only to find out I have the same deficiency every other person has in the winter. I did start taking Vitamin D pills and have noticed nothing. So I’m not convinced that this deficiency is the reason for my moods but every single website tries to tell me otherwise.
Every health magazine will tell you that working out improves your mood [Boost Your Mood – Fitness Magazine]. The thing is, I am pretty active already. I work out around 5 days a week….and working out more sounds like hell to me. I do get the logic behind it, however it is just not something that is going to help my particular issues with winter depression.
Last year, I started meditating in order to relax from all the wedding planning I was doing. When you are planning something huge like that every waking moment and thought revolves around it and it can be super stressful. Mediation really did help me last year with that. Taking a few minutes a day and just concentrating on myself felt awesome.
But….it has not helped me with my winter depression issue. This morning, I sat and tried….and tried…..and I just couldn’t focus. When I couldn’t focus, I got mad at myself for not being able to focus.
I think what is frustrating too, is just the fact that I have to be like this in front of Tom and even some of my friends. It’s just utterly embarrassing to me. I used to be able to hide this a lot better and this year, in particular, I have been having a hard time with that. Tom merely asking me about it made me cry this morning and when that happens, I start to feel shame for reacting that way.
In the past, I would isolate myself a lot during these periods and that would at least prevent the feelings of embarrassment. However, when you are with someone for years that gets harder to do. Tom wants to talk to me and lay with me and joke around with me like he normally does. He shouldn’t have to feel bad about wanting to be around me and last night that is exactly what I was trying to do to him.
Winter is more than halfway over and it does help a little to know that in 2 months, these feelings will go away. If any random person who stumbles upon this has any thoughts though, I am all ears (eyes). I feel like this is just something I’m going to have to deal with every single year.
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