Puking is my life now

So, per my last post, I’m pregnant.  Remember?  Me too! Despite the title, I promise this blog ends on a positive note.

I found out I was pregnant when I was exactly 4 weeks.  That is pretty damn early, by the way, as a lot of women do not find out until way later.  That is because there are ZERO actual pregnancy related symptoms that early.  If you feel sick and you have not missed your period,….that is not a pregnancy sign ladies – it’s due to hormones (let’s hear it for SCIENCE).  Write it down.  The sickness, I soon found out, comes a little bit later and it’s nothing like what you can experience during the week leading up to your period.

So I, of course, walked around this city from week 4-6 like a real confident asshole, thinking to myself “Is this all you got pregnancy!?”  I actually said, to the few people who knew, “I guess I’m just one of those lucky people who doesn’t have morning sickness!”  I was eating whatever I wanted and still exercising on a daily basis.  It was a great time.

At my 6 week doctor appointment, Tom and I saw our baby on the screen for the first time.  It was tiny.    It was basically a booger.  Obviously, not frame worth but nonetheless still very exciting to see.  My doctor then asked about how I was feeling everyday and my confidence was like Nicki Minaj in a thong she wears as pants – ”oh this is easy!  I feel great every day.  No problems at all!

No joke, the next day, I was hit by a semi-truck of nausea.  As soon as I stood up out of bed, it was as though I drank all the o-bombs in the city the night before.  Like your worst hangover, you have ever had….but all day and night long. 

The term ‘morning sickness’ was coined by a fool too.  It is not just the morning at all, it is all day long.  Everything made me want to puke.  Thinking of food was just not an option.  I constantly was eating and then immediately throwing up 75% of it.

On top of the nausea, I was exhausted.  I found myself falling asleep at work, mid-day, sitting upright.  As soon as I got home from work, I was asleep for the night.  The sun was still out.  I was averaging 10-12 hours of sleep a night and waking up still miserable.

I spent some time on the internet… JUST KIDDING.  I spent a lot of time on the internet searching for any kind of science around when this phase would end.   Most people stop feeling like hell after the 1st trimester, which is roughly 12-13 weeks.  At 7 weeks, this seemed like 10 years away.

I tried a lot of things to ease the situation, all doctor recommended of course:

Ginger Ale

Tasted good, helped for a short amount of time.  However, after too much you become bloated.  Your shape resembles a hot air balloon.  Which is cute….to no one.


Someone at Nature Made needs to candy coat these pills.  They taste so bad and it lingers in your mouth for hours.  I was only able to keep one down successfully and I didn’t notice any difference.


When I told my doctor I was drinking a ton of water, he responded, “Water is for plants.  You need electrolytes”.  Oh.  So enter Gatorade, Vitamin Water etc.  I went way overboard on the vitamin water and after puking that up I stuck to Gatorade.  It does make me feel better but it doesn’t make the nausea go away at all.

So here I am now at 12 ½ weeks.  2 days ago, I spent most of my day in the bathroom.  It is still going strong. 

I’m now at my breaking point.  It has been so many consecutive days feeling so bad that I don’t even recognize myself anymore.  When I’m not puking, I’m crying because I just puked.  Tom is basically a hostage in this situation while I sloth my way around our apartment looking for something that will make me feel better.

Yesterday, at the end of my rope, my doctor walked into the room Tom and I were waiting in.  He barely got out a hello before I demanded some kind of medication that would actually make me feel better.  He said alright and sent something to the pharmacy for me to pick up later that day.  I’m not sure if I’m the asshole for not asking sooner or he’s the asshole for not offering sooner but, at this point, I don’t care.

I picked up my prescription last night and, immediately, it was like the clouds parted and I finally met Eric Bana for the first time.  I went to sleep last night at a normal person time.  I woke up this morning and was productive before work.  I put eyeliner on and a real bra.  It was amazing.

I’m almost out of the 1st trimester and I feel like it was a blur.  I was so busy puking during most of it.  Despite all of this, though, I will do it again.  In between the puke times, I was seeing and hearing my baby’s heartbeat for the first time and finding out she was a girl.  I was sitting with Tom and we were talking about what kind of person she would be.  I was buying baby onesies and making them dance around the apartment.  Despite the puking, I was pretty happy about why I was puking.  Let’s go 2nd trimester.

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