I woke up Monday morning with an alert on my phone – “Congrats you are halfway through your pregnancy!”. What has followed a pretty hard 1st Trimester is now just a very calm and exciting 2nd Trimester. I felt my baby kick for the first time and I’m coming to terms with the fact that my body is changing. I can finally say I’m really enjoying myself just being pregnant right now.
It was a bumpy road, though, to this point, which I did not expect. There are so many changes you experience, physically and emotionally, that even the excitement of having a baby can’t help you cope.
Mo Body Mo Problems
This is the vain part of this entry. I’m sorry. Yes, I know I’m pregnant and I know that gaining weight is part of that. However, knowing this, doesn’t make it any easier. I’m carrying a baby but I’m still a normal woman. I still want to feel good and I still want my husband to be attracted to me. Just because I’m carrying a baby, doesn’t make that part of me, that wants to look and feel good, die.
At around 14 weeks, my stomach started growing. It’s a weird stage. You don’t look obviously pregnant but you also don’t look thin. I looked like I had a real carb heavy weekend at a brewery.
As the weeks went by, I got increasingly bigger and it was hard on me. Taking my normal baths at night became crying sessions. I lowered the lights and covered myself in washcloths.
Tom would tell me “Serena, you are having a baby. You look great!”. I didn’t believe him. I didn’t feel great.
During this time, I had no real insight as to how I should look either. Every woman is different during their pregnancies. The amount of weight you could gain is really all over the place.
I think what really changed my perspective on my body is feeling my baby kick for the first time. I was laying on my back in bed during week 18, putting lotion on. Suddenly, I felt something ….odd. I stopped what I was doing. Then it happened again. Woa. I called out to Tom, “Tom, I think you need to come here”.
He rushed into the room as though he knew what was happening already. He got on his knees next to the bed and placed his hand on my stomach. Then, as though she knew she was being summoned, she kicked again.
We both looked at each other, excited. Evidence. She was really in there! No word can describe the wave of just overwhelming happiness that came over me. In that moment, my body issues were pushed to the side and all I cared about was this little baby that lived, snugged up in my stomach.
I have no idea what I will go through, body image wise, when I finally do give birth but right now that all just seems unnecessary to even think about. Every time she moves, I smile. I often wonder what she feels and what she thinks when she hears Tom and I talking. My body issues seem miles away and I’m glad the 2nd trimester has brought that peace to me even if it is only temporary.
Your life doesn’t change when the baby comes….it changes right when you get pregnant.
Changes have always been hard for me – even the changes that I’ve wanted and pursued. This change, though, was something I did not expect so immediate. Yes, all of my friends were beyond excited for me when I found out I was pregnant. However, being pregnant, right away, removes me from a list of people that are able to have a beer and go out. I’m the sober one. The one that gets tired early. The one who probably isn’t a blast to go to a festival or concert with. It sucks. It feels lonely. I’ve just had to constantly remind myself that none of them are excluding or ignoring me on purpose. We all were single, then got married and now, one by one, will either start families or choose not to. I look at all of my friends as my family. And, like family, sometimes we will drift into different directions for a bit but will eventually come back together like no time has passed.
Toms life hasn’t changed at all. His friends still call him, message him to hang out and he’s able to do all the things he was able to do before. This all being said, he has stayed with me a lot. He doesn’t like seeing me feel alone and sad. I’m lucky to have someone like him. He’s there every step of the way and always trying to make me feel like I’m still the same ol’ girl he used to take out on Friday and Saturday nights.
As time goes by, it’s easier. Do I even want to go out to the bar? No. Life changes and I should have expected that probably way earlier than it happened. My friends are still my family and I still am always talking to them. I’m just not doing shots with them and hey, that’s not exactly upsetting to me. After Pukefest 2019, that was the first trimester, shots sound pretty terrible right now.
I’m going to leave this blog with a little shot, of my babe, from Monday. I’m halfway through and she is already a little person. All of these things I’m going through seem like nothing compared to the feeling of the anticipation I have for her arrival in December. Hey gurl hey….
Gurl Jonez 
This was a beautiful read. Thank you for sharing.